Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
