.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
