I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize