I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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