I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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