I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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