his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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