Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
