god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
