I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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