cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Randomize
