that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
