You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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