It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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