mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
