My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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