I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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