How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
