and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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