sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
