dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
