I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
