Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize