Cold hands, warm shart.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
