the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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