I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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