I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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