my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I want a musical about memes.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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