There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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