thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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