I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
