talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
