textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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