Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
