shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
