phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You pole danced in your parka.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize