I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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