Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize