Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize