Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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