My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
