fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
