First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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