I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
