Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
