Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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