I feel great
I just peed on a car
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
