I haven't been this sober since birth.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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