Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This baby is an asshole
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You left your phone here
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