I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
