planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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