Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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