what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
