I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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