I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
