Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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