Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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