Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
