At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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