Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
